A Nightmare on Elm Street: The Remake

[My friend Lucas, obsessed with the original A Nightmare on Elm Street, discusses remaking his favorite movie. Welcome this new guest blogger, and whatever you do, do not fall asleep while reading this, because it would probably hurt his feelings.]

This weekend, Platinum Dunes, the Michael Bay-helmed production company behind remakes of the Texas Chainsaw Massacre, The Amityville Horror, The Hitcher and Friday the 13th, is releasing its latest abomination: A NIGHTMARE ON ELM STREET. I think it's safe to say that I am not pleased.

Before I lose myself in a harangue, I'd like to clarify two things:

1) This is not a review. I have not yet seen this movie. This is a preview. I have only seen the trailers and read articles and interviews about the movie. Thus, this piece is heavily steeped in presumption, and

2) my presumption is NOT that A NIGHTMARE ON ELM STREET will suck as a movie (that is my fucking prediction!), but rather that it will suck as a remake.

And here's why: