Monday, February 02, 2009

Airplane Movies (Hancock and Sex and the City)

by Sara [This is part one of two]

I have a horrible fear of flying. This doesn't keep me from traveling, but aside from drugging myself into incoherency, I often find I have to rely on the in-flight entertainment to keep me from falling into abject terror at the slightest tremor or bump. Some airlines have awesome in-flight entertainment. I once flew on a Virgin International aircraft that had better in-demand music, TV and movies than my home. And I love JetBlue for letting me watch TV from the minute I sit down until I have to deplane. However, I recently flew with Alitalia and their in-flight "entertainment" well, it was slim pickins. I had a choice of about 8 movies, two of which were Batman Begins and The Dark Knight. Both of which I've seen and were the unfortunate top choices. I was left with: Mama Mia, Hancock, Sex in the City (the movie), Speed Racer, and then three Italian language movies. The magazine had promised a Bollywood production but they lied. I saw Hancock and Sex in the City on the flight out and Mama Mia and Speed Racer on the way back. I would like to emphasize that if I were not trapped on a flying metal tube for 9 hours I wouldn't touch any of those movies, even if I were in as drugged a state on land as I was in the air. But, this is a girl who on one flight watched Welcome to Mooseport, and none of those seemed to be as bad as that. I will now break down each movie according to my reaction and what was going on in the flight at the time. Oh and SPOILERS ABOUND, however I assume with this trash no one gives a rat's.

Part One: Red Eye Flight from New York To Rome - Hancock and Sex and the City.

Ok, this flight was empty. There were two rows to every one person. This is seen as a positive, especially by my friend who can sleep on airplanes. I watched Hancock with dinner. It was the best of all four movies I ended up suffering through. Yes, Will Smith cutesy shtick have worn thin, yes it is hard to buy him as a grumpy drunk but this movie has Michael Bluth. I was the only person on earth who didn't know the twist so I suppose I experienced it the way the movie people wanted. The twist wasn't interesting and the last, oh, 20 minutes or so were not very satisfying. So with the magic of cell phones Will Smith and Charlize Theron can stay in touch without one or the other dying? Who are "these people" that keep coming for them? She makes it sound like it's the same people every time but it's so obviously not. And THAT GUY is the "Big Bad?" really?! He's not even a semi-famous B-list actor so why would I even care. And, wtf? Why do they only need a distance of a few feet to be immortal? meh, whatever. My biggest complaint is tat Michael Bluth isn't given enough to do. That and then he takes her back anyway and then Will Smith puts a heart logo on the moon and then suddenly all the ad people now think it's a totes cool idea? But the movie took me through dinner, during which there was turbulence. The kind where you have to hold you cup or it will fall off the wee table. So I was way more interested in the movie than I had to be.

Turbulence continues, I take the first half of my happy pill and flip to: The Sex In The City The Movie What Was Made From that TV Show What the Womens Folk Like.

Ugh. No really. Ugh. The pill has kicked in and so I'm zooey but I'm conscious. This movie is terrible even stoned. I never liked the show. I hate the clothes. I hate the cloying tone. I want to punch out Carrie Whatshernuts from the opening line that tells me how that women in their 20's come to New York for labels and love. I personally came to New York to study art, have sex, get very drunk, grow up and have a life. I have never own Prada anything, don't know anyone who does and don't know anyone who cares. Moving on... I truly hate these women. And why the fuck to they keep screeching "SAMANTHA!!!" whenever the woman from Mannequin shows up? She's always showing up. This should stop being exciting news... Oh, this one time I totes saw Chris Noth while I was in Chelsea seeing art. He was filming an ep of Law and Order: Chris Noth Wears a Jacket or whatever. I see him around a lot tho. I do not think he's at all attractive. Plus, I was a totally Lenny Briscoe fan. Anyhoodle, moving on. Why does Carrie have feathers sticking to her head? I never understand the fashion crap of this show, which I have caught in syndication unfortunately. I guess in this world Fashion = Looking As Stupid As Possible. But really, this observation of mine is not new, I know. I am caught however by one moment. The only moment in the entire 50-hour long crapfest that was this movie (seriously, I had nothing to do and nowhere to go but I was begging this movie to end round about the 2nd hour. This thing was LOOOOONG). Ok, the moment is Kristen Davis holding Horseface McGee and screaming at Chris Noth to stay away. I am tearing up remembering this. Seriously. Kristen was so raw and so freaking real. I did NOT belong in this movie. I recommend watching these 30 seconds and these 30 seconds only. The rest of this is just really... the messages they are pushing, it's such fucking llama shit. Jennifer Hudson's character is shoehorned in and lame, but whenever she's on screen all I can think is "oh, that poor girl, I wonder how she is" cos that whole tragedy was really sad. This is not what they wanted me to think. There is a scene where someone shits themselves. No, really, someone shits themselves. Amidst tons of sex jokes and boiling women down to flat stereotypes and vomiting designers names at us they cram in a poop joke. loverly. the movie ends predictably with everyone getting what they want out of life. Samantha's a whore - NOT THAT THERE'S ANYTHING WRONG WITH THAT (sayeth the movie to us) the rest of them are again happily married (oh, hey! horseface marries Law and Order in the same courthouse that Geoff and I debated about changing our names to Spaghetti-Batman! This is my only moment of excitement. The red head who is really a blonde and now a late-in-life lesbian goes back to her husband cos in this movie when someone cheats, but they only do it once and are really REALLY sorry and it's actually the women's fault cos she didn't fuck him enough and instead of talking about it he cheated but again is REALLY REALLY SORRY said woman must take him back or be seen by everyone, including her bestest friendies, as a coldhearted unfeeling snake. Listen, I have my own (ok, Dan Savage's) thoughts on cheating, but really. If this is her deal breaker, it's her deal breaker. But fine, movie, I get it. he LOVES her so it's totes ok. Oh and lovely Kristen Davis (she's really cute) has a real baby because adopting a Chinese one totes isn't like having a kid for really-REALS. and having a kid for really-reals means you are extra-specially in love and your Chinese baby is just a symbol of how your love was totes weak before. take THAT! and horseface gets married and has a big closet even though the shit that Law and Order there pulled is shown to be like, super mean but again, if you're really REALLY SORRY and you really REALLY LOVE someone, you totes have to get married even if marriage isn't really for you. and like, not everyone has to get married, cos being a slut is TOTES COOL but, like, most people should get married cos like, love RAWKS. oh and: Prada, louboutin, lacroix yadda yadda yadda. I am now stupider and ANGRIER for having watched this shit. I am glaring, half stoned, around the empty cabin of this airplane needing to take my wrath out on someone but fail. I have to swallow my rage and remarks of "WHAT THE FUCK, NO SERIOUSLY WHAT THE FUCK" along with the rest of my pill. I spend the rest of the flight failing to sleep while being too drugged to open my eyes. I am content to listen to several episodes (that I have seen a couple of times already) of The Fairly Oddparents and then some horribly lame sounding kids show called Vampire wait, that's the band. It was Vampire something. There were vampires in it, from what I remember hearing.


Jason said...

Hooray for HATE. Well done, Sara.

It's funny that you mention there was actually a decent 30 seconds of drama in the Fake-Plastic-Women movie. I remember thinking that about an episode I once had to sit through of the show, because my then-girlfriend's mom wanted to watch it. There was this moment of surprising genuineness of amongst the half-hour of cloying observations and shallowness and (god help me) slapstick.

Made me think that show just should've been a drama all along...

Christian said...

I want more!

I emphasize with your hatred.

Jill Duffy said...

Girl, I love it when you get your Hate on.

ba said...

Did you actually write this when you were stoned on the airplane? It's got that flow to it.

Also...don't be dissing Welcome to Mooseport....EVER.

Just kidding...never saw it.

sara d. reiss said...

the longer I was writing about sex AND the city, the more stoned I felt. I tapped in to the same stream of consciousness. Relived it.

I apologize for the fact that, upon rereading, this makes very little sense. I was hungover when I wrote this sunday morning.

perhaps I'll see the next section geoff wants to post before he posts it and maybe, y'know, make the sentences make more sense.

sex and the city really was crap and hancock is as forgettable as you think.

Christian said...

I dunno. I quite like the automatism feel of it.

jennifer said...

i was also wondering how stoned you were when you wrote this review..
disastrous incoherence befits disastrous incoherence.
now bring on the mamamia! review, Unedited.

Stefan Delatovic said...

That was solid gold.

Unlike those movies! Ziiiing!


Seriously though, Hancock was just terrible. Like a poorly-written Wikipedia entry on what could've been and interesting franchise. It was saved only by having a Bluth in it. God I've seen some crap in my quest to seek out the Bluths.

I have some affection for the Sex and the City series, as it is played regularly in this house. The movie was awful. We watched that and the Spongebob movie as a double feature and came away loving that and wishing Samantha had been replaced by a sponge.

brad said...

hahaha... more rants from Sara!

sara d. reiss said...

brad - I was in Siena last week and I climbed up to the top of the Duomo museum. Last time I did that I was with you and Abby - do you remember? The green zebra-striped campanile? I even went to the rotundo in florence where we all had to take italian classes. It was a trip. Also, our apartment is still there and it still says "innocenti cherubini" on the buzzer label.

Good Times

brad said...

Unbelievable! That is so amazing Sara... I just had the happiest flashback. We'll always be innocenti cherubini, you and I... and Abby... and Jared, I guess;)

Enjoy enyoy enjoy! Post pics when you get home!!