[We have a new guest-blogger, Erin, writing for us today. I am a huge fan of the fashion-attack blog Go Fug Yourself (link on the right) -- a blog where they evaluate celebrity's clothes in viciously mean and funny ways. So I asked Erin, a fashion-conscious friend of mine, to write about Captain America's new uniform -- which was previewed on Newsarama last week -- in the style of the Go Fug Yourself girls. I wanted to try something new. I know some of you got annoyed with my discussion of the outfits in New X-Men, but I say an essential part of the superhero genre is crazy outfits, so here we go. Feedback is important here as it will determine if something like this ever appears again.]
Ok, ok, ok, ok, OK! Are you bageled up people? Ready? (claps hands) New Costume. New. Costume. Now this is Captain America we're talking about here. He is an awesome, powerful dude. Seriously. Like America's powerful. Totally a scary dude. And now, like, scarier than he was before. Steve Rogers is dead and some new guy is taking his place. This new guy is scary, and MAD, so mad he added a leotard, so you know this is NO FUCKING JOKE.
So, what are his powers, and how do we show them? Well, he's really really strong. Indestructibly strong. How do we show strength? Muscles! Big ass muscles! And lots of them. Get out the anatomy books -- all that oblique stomach shit you only ever seen in real life at pilates, that's what we're talking about. So he doesn't look top heavy add some huge thighs. And so he doesn't look absurd with thighs that big, add some boots with folded tops. (pause) Ok, I have just been informed that Captain America has always had huge muscles and Peter Pan boots. Apparently he also has a red white and blue shield that he hurls and hits people with and hides behind, all of which sounds . . .defensive.
You know what? I think old Captain America needs to go on the offensive. Here's an idea. What does America have that makes it special, and strong? Not Hayden Panettierre. Guns! We have guns. And you know what else we have? New York City police officers, who are super tough and strong, but also heroes, because of what they did before on 9-11, or all the time, whatever, which makes them heroes. Like Hayden Panettierre. So I think what Captain America really needs now is to stop always falling back on the super strong and indestructible super-power thing, and solve a couple of these super problems with super bullets. Faster than punching, and sexier too. He can keep his piece in a hip holster on a black leather belt, just like NYC cops wear. It will look cool and business-like and also maybe a little plumber-like, which is an issue, but seriously he can store the gun there and maybe a huge guerrilla knife, and some ah, gum, and like pepper spray or plastic cuffs or whatever else Captain America needs to GET AT THE TRUTH and save the day. Wire taps, maybe, maybe presigned warrants. Whatever -- that's not our job, that's for the writer dweebs. So a belt with stuff and some awesome boots and a big A for Awesome right on the old dome, couple little bat ears and I think we're done here.
He still kind of looks like a plumber in a leotard.
Ok, well, let's make the suit shiny. Plumbers never wear anything shiny. That should do it.